5 FEBRUARY, 1983

[chimbleysweep]

5 February, 1983

Due to the fact that yesterday was Friday, Jack took me out for the second time this past week! This weekend I’m very much caught up in dancing, but it was good to have another evening with him. We talked this afternoon during his lunch break, then it was off to class.

Last night, however, was another battle of sex. He has a terrible time with my final word. No sex, to him, it seems, means—actually, I’m not even certain what he thinks it means. It’s clear that his idea of a solid relationship doesn’t necessarily mean having sex (well, no, it’s not clear, but it’s the impression I get), but it also seems that it’s a visible missing piece of a puzzle that he wants to solve. It’s hard to glean much of anything from his one word sentences.

But I stand firm in my resolve. I don’t want to have sex for two reasons:

1.) It will hurt. That’s very superficial because it doesn’t always hurt (right?), but that’s a strong enough turn off for me.

2.) The person I give it to can’t just change their mind and walk away from me. I want my virginity to be taken by someone who will be there for several months after. Stability will give me an incentive. Love will give me an incentive. Even if the relationship fails after a year or two, that’s better than spreading my legs for every boy and feeling wasted.

Those are my reasons. I haven’t exactly explained them, as I doubt either one will really make much sense to Jack, however, they are very strong and I am unwavering in my decision to remain a virgin until I am ready. And I am not ready.